The Crucible:Conversations for the Curious

Hamish Niven (00:00)
Welcome to the first episode of From the Crucible. This is shorter conversations, mostly me, where I am talking about things that have intrigued me the last few days, maybe the last few years, maybe longer, who knows? But this is just thoughts, conversations, and ideas, maybe answers to questions that people have asked me or I have found on social media. So it's basically me musing about life.

my perspective, my understanding, and what I have learned in the 53 years that I have traipsed this current lifetime. I wanted to talk today about Quitters Day. This is something I put on Facebook on Friday. And Quitters Day basically turned up in beginning of 2019 when Strava did some extensive research on their fitness, on all their people who made these promises and commitments to get fit.

get healthy, run a marathon, do all this kind of stuff. And Strava basically went through everything and realised that by week two, 80 % of people had given up on their goals and their dreams and their New Year's resolutions. I put it out on Facebook, slightly frivolous, just because I've got various friends who go to the gym and they have been moaning and whinging about the gym is full of people sitting on the machines.

taking selfies, doing this, saying, look at me, I'm back in the gym. And by this weekend, they will find the gyms are much quieter. Why is that? Why do we give up? I mean, and I suppose more importantly is giving up a bad thing. Certainly for me, giving up has not been a bad thing. Those of you who know my story know that I gave up alcohol just over six years ago. And that was probably the hardest thing I've done until I had to start living sober.

and that was tough. It still is tough. It's also incredibly beautiful. But when we go back to giving up things, I think it's really important to look at why we actually did them. What was the motivation for getting fit? Was I gonna go to the gym every day for a hard workout, burn a thousand calories every day and do this unachievable goal, this expectation which was

impossible, unrealistic, too hard on myself, all that kind of thing. So there's all sorts of reasons why we actually set a hearty goal, set a New Year's resolution and stick to it for a couple of weeks and we go for it and then it just gets too much. It's too heavy, it's too stressful, it's too unrealistic and we give up. And then we shame ourselves, I couldn't do it, can't do it, I'm pathetic, I'm useless, I'm this, I'm that. Not actually realizing that.

90 % of the time the goals that we actually set ourselves are unstructured. They're not realistic. They're not time-based. They are not even thought about and certainly not planned. I mean, how can I plan to go to the gym five days a week when I've got work, when I've got this, when I've got that, when I've got kids, when I've got to take them from the school, pick them back up from school, when I've got a husband, when I've got a wife, when I've got a million things to do? How am I going to fit that all in?

didn't think about that, you know, and that's just the way it goes. When I look at my goals and expectations for this year, they're fairly simple. I'm going to get a van. I'm going to either buy one that is ready converted or I will get it converted and I'm going to live in that for six months. I'm going to drive around the west coast of Ireland and I'm going to, if there's time, do a lot of Scotland as well. I want to go to the ancient ruins and

see the standing stones, feel the energy in these places where people from thousands of years ago venerated nature, where they did all this kind of stuff. Now is that your goal? Is that an anticipation? Is it a New Year's resolution? It's something I've thought about. It's something that I have committed to. It's something that I have said in order to get to this final point, I have to start here. I've got to work. I've got an income. I've got to do this. I've got to do that. And I have planned it out in great detail.

Is it achievable? Yes, it really is achievable. Is it likely? Yes, it is. Will it require a lot of hard work? Yes. And if I start doing it in May when I want to go in June, it's not going to happen. So I have had to look at what I want to achieve and go, is it really important to me? Is it really, really that important to me? Yes, I want to run a half marathon as well. I want to do this. I want to do that. I can't do all those things. I can do some of them.

If I was in my twenties I could do an awful lot more. I'm not, thankfully. And that means I've just got to sort of take things a little bit more carefully. And if I don't actually get that, it's not the end of the world. You know, it's a case of not beating myself up, not trying to do things which are so unrealistic and so demanding and on my time and my effort and on my resources and all sorts of things.

So that goal of mine to get this van and travel is...

as guaranteed as I can make it because I know what I want to do. know how I want to do it. I've actually structured my work around that. So once I have got this van, I can carry on doing the podcast. I can carry on sharing incredible stories. can carry on finding amazing people to listen to, share stories of hope and things like that. I've built my business around working from the back of a van. Get a satellite dish, pick up the internet. Thank you very much, Mr. Musk.

And off I go, you I have thought about this and I'm determined to do it. Are there sacrifices? There are, of course. You know, I'm gonna have to eat frugally so I can save the money. I'm gonna have to do various other things. I'm also gonna have to look at ways of minimizing my expenditure. And that's fine, but I am planning this as a vision, as a purpose, as a lifestyle. And, you know, I don't have kids, I don't have those dependents, so I can do that.

Is it realistic? I think it is. I think it is highly realistic and I think the reason that it is going to work is because I want it. I want to do that. It's by far the most important thing that I want to do. I want to go and see and experience. I want to travel. I want to see beautiful places. Part of my purpose on this life, this lifetime is to remind people there is beauty out

because there is. Every person is beautiful. Their soul, their heart is beautiful. We've just forgotten. You know, we have these demands from society to be this, be beautiful, have the facelift, have the hair, do the eyes, do the nose, get the muscles, all this kind of stuff. So much expectation to do that. And, you know, these make us forget how incredible we are.

They make us forget that we are actually amazing and there is beauty out there. Yes, there is horror, there is terror, but there is that beauty. And that beauty comes from kindness, from love, from connecting, from not being a victim, from loving people, from doing our best. And our best hasn't got to be 100%. Our best hasn't even got to be perfect. You know, it's just showing up and saying, hey, I'm here.

How are you?

That is beautiful. And when you stop to look at people and listen to people, you hear that beauty, you hear that magic, you hear that yearning for peace, for love for their children, love for their siblings, love for their parents, love for friends, love for work, love for colleagues, love for all sorts of things.

part of my podcast, part of my being is to remind people there is beauty there. I was chatting with a friend the other day and we were talking about the world is getting more polarized, there is more hate, there is more fear, is more ugliness, is more disgust, disdain and violence and anger and rage and at the same time there is more beauty. I think it's

There is a line and it does that and as one gets higher the other one gets lower. As there is more violence and hatred and polarism and this that and the other there is more beauty, is more love, there is more compassion. There are more people waking up and realising that society is not working properly. The expectations from schools, from business are take, take, take and it's not possible, it is not working.

You know, we can't live like that. And so my podcast, my purpose is to remind people that there is beauty out there, to connect with people, to share, to remind people that there are so many people who are living beautifully. They are living with care and love and connection. that's what the podcast is about. The podcast is about finding these.

You know, if you look back at some of those stories, you've got Dan who was drinking and driving, had a DUI and this, that and the other, and he realized that wasn't working. And he sobered up and he is doing incredible things. If you find him on social media, he is creating AI based chatbots for people with dementia. You look at Al, similar story. lost all sorts of stuff because he was drinking, because...

life wasn't working for him because he was struggling and he made sense of things and now he has a podcast telling people sharing stories like me and bringing hope bringing that beauty reminding us that reminding everybody that there is beauty there there is love there is magic there is more than just hope there is the just the potential to be an incredible human is out there.

It takes a bit of resources, it takes a bit of time, it takes forgiveness of self, very much so, and of other people. It also takes quitting. It takes quitting the nonsense, it takes quitting bad behaviour, it takes quitting shaming yourself, it takes quitting hurting yourself, letting yourself down and feeling bad about it. It takes quitting being ugly, being aggressive, being violent.

I'm not saying don't be dangerous, you have to protect yourself and you have to have that capacity to be wise, be able to protect yourself verbally, physically if necessary.

but also not to be walked over, it's boundaries. There's so much we could talk about and you know, don't, this idea of this, the idea for this section is not to go into everything in one go, but it is to say.

So you quit. So you've been to the gym for two weeks and it's impossible. That's okay. You know, step back, reassess what was important. Was it that important? If it was, what can you do to get there? Chances are if anything like some of my new year's resolutions from years gone past, I will never drink again. I will do this. I will do that. They're not possible simply because I hadn't thought it through. I hadn't planned it. I hadn't put some structure and form into it.

and gone hell to leather, flat out, forgetting about the first few days of January, our holiday, getting over things, there's determination, there's this, then it's cold, then it's wet, then it's back to school for the kids, then it's back to work, then it's this, and then you get a cold, then you get sick, and then everything slowly falls apart, and it's, bugger, beat myself up, shame myself, give up, start eating, start drinking, start doing this, fuck it all off, whatever.

when really it's, know, were those expectations realistic? Were those plans realistic?

People now don't like to set New Year's resolutions because it's so old fashioned. They call it goals, they call it this, whatever, you know, it's just playing with words. I think the important thing to realize is that it's not worth beating yourself up for anything. You know, there's nothing wrong with having that really good goal. I'm going to get fit, I'm going to get strong. Nothing wrong with it. I'm going to write a book, I'm going to do this. Go for it. 100 % go for it.

I'm going for that van, I'm going for the podcast, I'm going for my business being travel anywhere, work from my van, thank you very much, watch the sunset. That is my goal and I'm gonna go for it. Plan it, work it out. And if something doesn't work, fair enough, what's the next thing? Life's about experiences. Life's about quitting when you've had enough. Why stay in that relationship if it's toxic? Why stay in that situation if it's not working? What can you do to fix it?

Do you need to fix it? Do you need to move on? You know, we can touch on so many things here, but we're not going to. But basically, I wanna say happy Quitters Day. And if you've quit, don't beat yourself up. Look at why you did, what the reason were for it. Look at whether your actual expectations were realistic. And if they weren't, sit back, go a pen and paper, write it down, write what you want to do, the steps, the expectations.

the construction, construct a plan and things like that. So I think that is the end of this message. know, happy Quitters Day. Quit with pride. Quit knowing that what you set out to do was too hard, was unrealistic, was not going to work in that form. Rephrase it, rewire it, rewrite it, rewrite it and try again.

We've learned from those mistakes. We've learned from not succeeding that way. And you'll be more focused. You'll be more determined. You'll make it. Or you might realize that you don't actually like running. You'd rather go swimming. Or you'd rather cycle. know, try these things. But Happy Quitters Day. Quit while you're ahead. Quit before it gets too hard. Quit before it breaks you because there's plenty more opportunities out there to try again. Learn from those...

I don't want to call them mistakes. Learn from those events. Learn from what you've experienced because that's what life's about. It's about experiencing. It is about experiencing the magic of every day, about seeing the beauty beyond the noise, about listening to what other people say and they, is that right? Does that resonate with me? If so, great. If not, fine. Yeah. Just because there's somebody else doesn't think the way that you think doesn't mean they're wrong. They're just them. You're just you.

So yeah, Happy Quitters Day.