The Crucible:Conversations for the Curious

Hamish (00:29)
Hello everybody. And welcome to another episode of the Crucible conversations for the curious. Now we've got an amazing story for you today. JD is a remarkable human being. He has gone through stuff that you wouldn't want your worst enemy to do. And he's not just gone through it. He's come out the other side saying, okay, next. And he's still smiling.

JD, thank you so much for turning up today.

Jd (00:55)
Thank you so much for having me on. It's a pleasure to be on this show to share my story, getting to know you. It's been an amazing, amazing,

event for my life and so I'm excited to be on the end to get to share my life story and hopefully we can help somebody else in that journey.

Hamish (01:15)
JD, tell us a little bit about your story, your background and how you got to this state where you are now.

Jd (01:22)
Well, I'm originally from Nashville, Tennessee, and growing up, was very difficult for me growing up because I a I'm for those of you that are watching this and those of you listening. And so when I was first born, I was born with this albinism and it causes a lot of problems with me and my family, as you could imagine, having two black parents.

And then you being this albino person, so means I don't have a lot of melanin in my skin. And so early on in childhood, was very, I was thrown into, I guess you could say the fire of dealing with people's judgment. I can remember in a very early age, my dad used to get stopped when we'd be at the grocery store. And they would tell him things like, you know, my mom cheated on him. Like those aren't.

not his real child, things of that kind of nature. So I was just giving that.

viewpoint of the world very early in life. growing up with albinism is an easy thing. A lot of questions are asked, especially back then, before we have the technology we have now. There was a lot of uncertainty. When I was very, very young in my childhood, doctors had basically told me that I would be completely blind by the age of eight or nine.

And they didn't think that I would even be alive at this point. I am now 34. it's just been an amazing, it's amazing story. And so I use this to encourage anybody that's going through like a struggle just on the physical appearance side of having some kind of limitation that they feel like holds them back. know that this is, this is.

One of the things that I dealt with early in life with that. So yeah, that was kind of like early childhood. You know, we all had those problems in school, right, with adapting socially. And mine was more adapting socially while understanding my own self. Because I didn't understand myself at that time. As a kid, I had no idea about.

Hamish (03:39)
Hmm.

Jd (03:53)
my pigmentation, my stigmatism in my eyes. Like I had to learn so many other things. So when I was a kid, all I really wanted to do was be normal. I just wanted to be treated.

You know, I just wanted to have a normal childhood and at the time, again, it was early and it was a lot of, not a lot of information about Albinism album. And so I was in a school for the gifted, right? And they were trying to teach me braille and this kind of thing. And I was like, no, I just want to be normal, right? I just wanted, you know, I just wanted to experience what a normal childhood was like. And I didn't get to do that. And so that kind of set me up for future events, should I say, foreshadow.

about what was to come in my life because as much as I just wanted to be normal, it was never meant for me to actually live a normal life, to say. And I'm sure other people have. I'm sure we can all relate to that, or we just want something that we see other people have, and we realize that comparison is the thief of all joy. And what's...

Hamish (04:47)
Mm.

Jd (05:01)
What's given for you is not meant for me, right? And what's meant for me is not given to anybody else. And it took me very, very long time to adapt to that, to understand that. So as I got older, my early nine year old, 10 year old, up until a traumatic turning point in my life, it was really just a kind of, I was just floating through trying to.

Hamish (05:30)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (05:31)
understand myself. I didn't have a lot of friends because it was just very hard, know, as a kid you just having to explain to everybody you meet, hey, I have albinism and this albinism thing is it means that I'm, I lack melanin in my skin. You try to explain that to an eight or nine year old or six or seven year old, right? And they just gonna look at you like, what does that mean?

Hamish (05:53)
Okay.

Okay.

Jd (05:58)
And so it was very hard for me to even have friends when I was younger because there's so many questions that I had to deal with. just became...

It just became too much and I didn't maybe want to have friends. So I didn't really have friends. The only time I felt normal, to say normal, was when I was introduced to the game of football. That was the only thing that I could remotely relate to. And so I cling to it. You find something, right, that gives you that joy, especially as a child, and we cling to it, right? That's our...

That's our one thing that we have. sure that people have other things, whether it be music or drawing or something like that. But I cling to that. That was my only thing that I had where I could actually then have friends because it wasn't about my skin tone. It wasn't about all my limitations or the things that I had to deal with. It was about, you good at this particular sport? And that was all that was wrapped around it.

That was kind of like my safe haven growing up as a child. It was the only thing I could have, you know. In school, I was bullied a lot, as you could imagine. And, you know, I had to learn very quickly that although words are best to defuse a situation, and we should not seek out the violence, right? It comes to a point where I had to start defending myself because it was an everyday...

occurrence of being bullied for my skin tone, for my parents being who they were, right? And especially being in an all-black school. When you're in an all-black school as a kid and you're this albino child.

Hamish (07:37)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (07:56)
It can just be, it can be hard. And so that's kind of how my early childhood, what I experienced up until, up until 11, when just everything in my life then shifted at that point.

Yeah, so that age 11 for me was the hugest turning point in my life.

That was the day, that was the year really that my entire life shifted.

I'll never forget it. was February the 2nd, 2002. And that's the day that I lost my father. he was a great man. He was a helper. He was a leader among men. He's a dedicated father. He taught me everything that I know.

Hamish (08:37)
Mm.

Jd (08:49)
Again, you don't know what people carry with them. You don't know their pain and their struggle that they carry with them unless you really stop to ask. And that was something that I didn't even do as a son, right?

Yeah, he he committed suicide.

And I never got to really tell him goodbye. You know, I was a very young child at that age, so I wasn't really paying attention as a child. Who would? You you're 11 years old. You don't really pay attention to those dark demons that your parents are facing. I remember he came into my room and he just gave me a hug and was like, I love you, son. And I was just.

Being an 11 year old kid, you're wrapped up in whatever exciting new thing is in front of you. So I just kind of paid it no attention. And was like, yeah, I love you too, dad. Well, I didn't really need to say I love you. I wish I did, but I did not. I actually was like, yeah, appreciate that. And I just went back and doing whatever I was doing. And I remember it was like two or three in the morning, and I get a knock. My mom gets a knock on the door, and it's two police officers. And they're like, are you the?

Hamish (09:56)
Hmm.

Jd (10:05)
wife of Carl Shivers and you know and I can remember just being in my in my bed. My brother was already he moved to he moved away he moved to East Tennessee at that point by that time so it was just me my mom and I can remember just laying in the bed and I remember that the the feeling of you know that your entire world just changed in that instant or you just can just you just know.

Even though I was 11, could, yeah, just like snap of the finger. You just know like.

It's like you just, your reality becomes a bad dream. And I remember at that point, I knew that I...

I would never have my childhood back. So, and it took me a long time to even be able to speak about this. Like I remember very few fragments. They're like them fragmented memories until I was able to address it in therapy. Years, I mean, it me almost 20 something years to even address that whole entire situation. But,

Hamish (10:50)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (11:13)
Those three or four months after that period, I was thrust into a manhood completely. There will be times that I vividly, I can remember.

I would have school at 6.30 in the morning, but the night before, I'm having to get my mother off of the floor because she's completely drunk, right? And it's not that I don't blame her for anything. I she lost her entire world. And I personally can't imagine what she went through with that. so I don't blame her at all.

Hamish (11:47)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (11:54)
right but it was that's that was my reality was I had to fix this I had to try to fix this broken woman who just lost everything wow

in a period of life where you're supposed to be exploring yourself, you're supposed to be growing, you're supposed to be aging. And here I am trying to pick up the pieces with this, with my mom, as we try to navigate the waters of...

Losing our leader losing our rock losing our foundation and that was That was a hard time and I know that In seeing how she adjusted to it. That was how I started to adjust to it Right seeing how she

used alcohol to numb the pain is how I started to use alcohol to numb the pain. Right, because I had no time to honestly deal with it. You know, I still had to maintain my grades at school, right? I still had to navigate that and act like things were put together in my life still.

when they clearly were not. And at age 11, going into that summer, that's when I started to walk down my own bad path. And that's when I started to smoke marijuana and I started to dabble in drinking because it was like, that was my only escape. So, and then, you know, my life took another shift.

because we moved to East Tennessee and we went from being in a predominantly all Blacks area to being in a completely opposite area where it was predominantly Caucasians and there was only 13 Black kids. have 200, I'm sorry, I 2,000 kids, only 13 Black kids. So now I have nobody to relate to. have nobody to even speak to because

A lot of these kids had two parent households and they had a good upbringing. While in my world, we don't really have a stable house at this point in time. I'm living with my aunt and I love my family. My family was tremendous in my upbringing.

I couldn't imagine where I would be at in my life right now if I did not have family support of my aunts and my uncles. They did their best to try to navigate me through that entire situation, but in my world, I felt completely alone. In my world, it was not only am I dealing with the loss of my father, not understanding.

what got so bad to make him want to take his own life. But now I also don't have anybody to help me with building my confidence or giving you that reassurance of love when you're trying to become a man, when you're trying to do things right, when you're trying to.

Excel like sports and you need that male figure To just be like son. You're doing a good job, right? How do I speak as a Navigating all that stuff. So I'm 13. Well, I'm 13 years old Trying to just fit into middle school, right? Again, just being having the albinism and

Also not having to deal with my father. Alcohol and marijuana was my, that was my parents to me in my world. Like I said, my mom was trying to be there for me and she did a fantastic job with what life had dealt her. But.

Hamish (15:51)
Hmm.

Jd (16:07)
In my world, it was...

drink and smoke and that's what kept me able to just function without without like breaking down.

Hamish (16:17)
Hmm.

Jd (16:19)
and as I grew older.

It really became then my habit. So by age 16, I'm in sophomore year in high school. My day was, you know, I had football practice at six in the morning. So I would go to that. I'm out by 7.45. My first period was at 8.15. By eight o'clock, I have a 32 ounce cup of tea and vodka.

Hamish (16:23)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (16:48)
drinking that and I've already smoked probably one joint or a blunt or something like that and I would just go to class and I it wasn't it wasn't an issue of making me a bad student or whatever school was school came natural to me so in doing keeping my mind not sober it's what kept me to get

just at that point in time. It's just what kept me together. Because in the back of my mind it was, I don't want to be here. I don't fit in. My dad didn't love me. It was really the start of me self-hating myself. Because I took it as it was my fault. He couldn't take the blame.

Hamish (17:15)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (17:43)
He couldn't take the judgment of his child being albino. And that's how I internalized it. Is it the truth? It's not. It's not the truth. But that's how I internalized it. I took that on. And, you know, and I'm like, look at my mom. She's falling apart. And there's nothing that I can do to help her.

Right, I took that on. That wasn't the truth, that wasn't the reality. But again, when you're a child and you come home and there's no lights on in the house, because she couldn't afford to pay the rent, or she couldn't afford to pay the light bill, and now you're left with two choices, like, do I stay in this dark house and live with candles, or do I leave, or what do I do? And so, in my mind,

It was, I gotta do something. So I started to hustle. I started to turn down the path of no resistance, as a lot of people would say. And so I began to, you know, hustle anyway I could and do whatever I had to do so that I can help keep lights on in my house. Right? I could help pay the water bill so I could take a shower after.

long day of practice in school, right? Then it became a situation where now you're adding stress, right? You're adding stress onto a 16, 17 year old kid. You're adding stress onto his life. Now I'm not only having to deal with picking up pieces, being albino, dealing with that, trying to...

Also being made in my house, now let's add on, okay, now you wanna help pay some bills. So I mean by 18, sorry, by 17, this is right before I graduated high school. I mean now I'm not even going to class sometimes. By 12 o'clock I'm.

Hamish (19:45)
Yeah.

Jd (19:45)
I'm well into drinking half a bottle of liquor.

and my life was just out of control. mean,

I mean, just it got to a point where I was.

I was counterfeiting money just to make sure.

that I had extra money so that I could hand it to my mother and be like, mama, I can help you pay these bills. And all while doing that, somehow, thank God, I was able to still graduate high school, succeed in sports enough to earn a scholarship.

This just goes to show you how far you don't know how out of control your life is until it's too late. I had opportunity to go play at my dream school, the school I've always wanted to go play at. I had a full scholarship ride to pay for that school.

Hamish (20:34)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Jd (20:44)
And I was so lost that I got there and I squandered it completely away. I didn't even last a semester because my habits were the same. I'm still a

waking up, drinking, smoking, and then trying to operate my life. And when you get to college, you can't do that. You can't do that at all. And so I was there for one semester. My GPA went from a 3.4 to a 1.5, I think, or 1.3 or something like that. And so by the age of 18,

I was already dropping out of college. And I'm just like, look at your life. And it didn't really help a lot that I had a relationship at that time. And that was my first real experience with bigotry and racism.

And the person I was, her family did not like that I was black when they finally figured out that I was black. Because a lot of times being in a predominantly white area and being out by no, it got to the point where I just was like, if they know, they know, if they don't, they'll just call me whatever. So I just gave up at that point, right? So they just thought I was white for the longest time until they realized I had black parents.

And once they found that out, obviously they didn't that relationship to continue. And so they did what they felt necessary to do to make sure it didn't continue. And at the time...

Hamish (22:14)
Hmm.

Jd (22:23)
being young and dumb, we were in the process of having a child in which they took that away from me. And so that sent me down the worst spiral of my life because again, I took that on as blame, I was sick. I was sick. I took that on as that's my fault. Right, I took it on as my fault.

And then in doing that, I introduced myself to pills. So now I'm adding in that and I wasn't a...

I just knew that at that point that that started something really bad. And that pushed me to the point of...

Hamish (23:03)
Hmm.

Jd (23:05)
trying to take my life. That was my first attempt at trying to take my life because it just got too heavy. It got too heavy for me. I had no direction. I dropped out of school. I lost the so-called relationship.

And I couldn't find, I felt, I felt what my father felt, if that makes sense.

Hamish (23:30)
Mm.

Jd (23:30)
And so I remember it's winter time in Virginia, in the mountains. It's no, it's no joke to say. It's very, very cold. It's very, very cold. I mean, you can get to below, you know, freezing outside. And I'm feeling how I'm feeling. My family can't get in touch with me. Cause back then we didn't have like, I don't, I don't believe iPhones were created at that point in time. don't really know, but I know I had a flip phone. So there was no GPS tracking me.

And I'm in Virginia, which I was like three or four hours away from my family. And it got to the point where I was so sick in the head. I just said, I give up. I give up. And I remember I got really drunk and I took five lower tabs at that time. And I just walked. And I was just walking.

Hamish (24:13)
Hmm.

Jd (24:28)
And I can remember I just sat down somewhere and I gave up. I literally just gave up and

I don't know who found me. don't really remember, but I woke up in the hospital and I had hypothermia. Right. And.

It was tough because that was my first point where I was like...

Hamish (24:51)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (24:55)
Wow, this is you're at. This is where you're at in your life. But I didn't learn anything from that. I was just angry. I was just angry and I was just pissed off and I was lost. so again, that led to me obviously dropping out. That was the last straw. came back home and...

You know when you get a sign about something, God will send you, He'll send you people in your life. And if you don't pay attention to those people that He sends in your life, you miss the boat. You'll miss the blessing.

Hamish (25:33)
Yeah.

Jd (25:34)
And I almost missed that boat. can remember, you know, back at home, people didn't know anything about my situation. So I felt I still was a quote unquote legend at my school, right? I'd done all these amazing things and people had no clue what was going on. So I came back to a game and I am, I mean like I am, I'm past belligerent and I can remember this one man.

He knew who I was, but did not know who he was. And all he said to me was, you know, just hello. That's it. And in my drunken stupor, I'm talking to this guy who I didn't realize he would be one of the biggest mentors in my life. And I'm just like, yeah, what's up? And I kept him moving. And I mentioned that story because he later became...

the person that led me to the Lord and really got me out of a dark place I was in my life. Because as that time will go forward, again, I'm 19, dropped out of school, I got nothing going on for me.

I found myself, I ended up going to jail. So I ended up going to jail. the most sobering day of my life was Mother's Day, 2009.

My mom had to be in a jail to see me. And then she had to travel an hour and 30 minutes to go see my brother who was in jail as well.

And I never will forget having to, I couldn't even hug her. I couldn't touch her. couldn't, I couldn't nothing. was just looking through a glass window. I happened to tell my mom.

happy Mother's Day and it's like what is is happy about that day for her?

Hamish (27:25)
Yeah.

Jd (27:29)
Both her sons are in jail.

just have, there's nothing happy about that day. And I will never forgive myself for that day. And that's when I really tried to start to get my life back together. I did get out, got back in school, started playing basketball in college.

but I just didn't learn. You get motivated for a while and motivation while important, it's fleeting. So if you have no discipline, eventually that motivation is going to fade. then that's when the discipline is supposed to take over.

Hamish (27:57)
Yeah.

Jd (28:19)
as I repeatedly say a lot.

You are what you repeatedly do. Therefore, anything, mostly anything, it's not a choice, but it's a habit.

and my habit was every day when pressure hits, when things got tough, when my life got busy.

Where's that joint at? Where's that hit of marijuana at? Where's that liquor at? So on the outside, I'm in school, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment at this point in time.

and I'm right back in the same thing I was doing in high school.

You and it's not, you think like it's something mature because as you get, as we get older, you can manage it a little better, but you don't. You don't. so now I'm in my twenties, right? I'm in my twenties and I'm starting to figure things out. I'm starting to understand that I have something special that I can do with my life.

But the only thing that's stopping me is me.

And so now you're trying to navigate, how do I overcome my situation? I have yet to still deal with my dad at this point in time. It's been going for 10 years and I've yet to shed one tear about it.

And so I, as I continue to get older, I think it was about 21, it was the first time I actually cried about it. That was a huge release for me because I had to finally admit that it wasn't my fault.

You would think out of all the people in the world telling you it's not your fault, you don't really believe it until you are ready to accept it.

right until you decide and that's the beautiful thing about acceptance. Once you decide to accept.

you're ready to start growing.

And so that was the first time I really accepted that he's gone. And it's not my fault. It wasn't my fault. And it was nothing that I really could do about it. And it was in that moment, when I started accepting that, I lifted some burdens.

I'll live to some burdens.

And my life got a little bit better. I still had problems. I still had some horrible habits. But in that moment, I found myself getting just a little bit closer to...

healing myself.

And so as I got older, I think I'm about 24, 25ish, I graduated, you know, and I...

At this point in time, my drinking and...

habits weren't because of the pressure now. It started to just like I said earlier comparison is a thief of all joy. And so now I in my dark in my dark moments, I'm self hating myself because I wasn't where other people who are 24 or 25 where they were in life. Right? So while I beat one demon, I another demons coming at me and now and now I'm starting to

Yeah.

I'm starting to just see myself as losing because I'm, yes, I've graduated. Yes, I have a master's degree. Yes, I'm doing certain things, but I don't have a car. Right. I can't drive at this point in time. You know, they didn't, they didn't have anything that could help people with albinism because our vision is so borderline bad. They don't think that they didn't think they can have anything to help us drive.

Hamish (31:26)
Hmm.

Jd (31:50)
And at this point in time, again, I'm in school. I'm doing all these amazing things, but what I was told as a young child, I had to go back to this, what I was told as a young child, the only thing that I would ever be able to do in life was to be a dishwasher. Because I didn't think that I could do anything else because of my eyesight.

and as much as it it pissed me off it fired me up because it was like how dare you tell me that that's all you think I can be in my life is that

I'd gone through all these things and I had dropped the ball. Dropped the ball with sports. I dropped the with football. I couldn't... I was the late bloomer in basketball, so that was gone. I dropped the ball with becoming... The one thing at that point I was like, well, I could be a teacher or something, right? Because that doesn't require a lot to do with your eyes. But I dropped the ball because...

You know, now I had a record. So I couldn't, I wouldn't accept it into the program because I had a record and I was at a Christian school at that point in time. you know, so again, I dropped the ball. So now that's why I got to that point. And I was like, man, I screwed up everything. Maybe I am going to be a dishwasher. At this point in time, I working at a restaurant. I was a waiter. So I was only one, I was only.

five steps away from that dishwasher, right? So I'm looking, I'm just looking at my lifeline.

Hamish (33:24)
Yeah.

Jd (33:28)
This is what it's come to. And I was in a very dark place when I was 25 because I had, on the inside, I hadn't given up. I hadn't given up completely. my best friends in my time, had no idea. I'm seemingly put together, but this was my life.

I literally could wake up out of my room and walk out of my room and I could walk into my living room and any point in time in life I would, that day, I'm sorry, I would either see two or $3,000 on the table or I'd see two or three pounds of marijuana on the table. I was living with a drug dealer because that was the quickest access I could have to it. Now I may have told him,

Hey, but I'm helping you out. You need a place to stay. I got you. Right? So on the outside, it's like, you're doing a good deed despite this guy's whatever you're doing. In my mind, it was, no, that's my access. Now I don't have to pay for it. Now I can just smoke whenever I want. Now you're talking about, I mean, there's days on times that I smoked all day.

Hamish (34:54)
Mm.

Jd (34:55)
And wow, some people believe that it has these benefits and this and that and this and that, whatever. It doesn't stop the fact it's killing your brain cells. You're not sober minded. You're not thinking correctly. And that was me.

And I mean like, I mean there was points, they would have anything from cocaine, I see, I was involved in so much stuff. I didn't get that level to do cocaine, but I sure didn't stop people from doing it right there in my countertop, on my table, in my room, in my bathroom, I didn't stop nobody.

So I might as well have been contributing to it. It got so bad with people trying to...

They were trying to rob my house.

And again, I'm like, this is what I'm living with. This is what's in my house. And I was in my second relationship at that time. And I can remember, I got to a point where was like, she wanted nothing to do with it. I you need to choose.

Hamish (36:11)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (36:11)
and

I can't remember this how dark it got. had, I got to a point in life where

I was just self-hating myself so much that I tried to kill myself again. I had skipped work. You know, I skipped work.

I had the whole house to myself and I remember I took a bottle of aspirin and I 12 aspirins and I laid there in my bed and I was ready to go. And it got so bad to me because I felt defeated. I felt completely defeated. I had lost.

Hamish (36:51)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (36:56)
I had lost my will to keep pushing forward. I was looking at life like it was a mountain I couldn't climb. I wasn't where I wanted to be. And I had in my mind felt that I couldn't get anywhere forward. I felt stuck. I felt like life had became too much to handle.

You know, wasn't, I just wasn't in the right, I wasn't in the right, I wasn't in the right mind. And I'm sure that a lot of people, we go through things in life that where you want to be something successful, you want to be something good, and you're not ready for life's punches.

Hamish (37:39)
you

Jd (37:49)
The more successful you want to be, the harder life's going to try to knock you down.

and it's going to try to hold you back. And if you're not...

right-minded, right, to handle those experiences, it can beat you down. And I was at a point where life had beat me down. It had just beat me down mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. It beat me down. And I was at that point where I just said, forget it. I'm over it. I lost my relationship.

I lost my job. I was coaching at a college, the college I went to, and I lost that. I wasn't, again, my bad habits of partying and drinking and smoking were catching up to me in my master's program where I was one credit shy of getting my master's and doing a

24 month program in 10 months.

but my habits and so.

I gave it up. I really gave it up. I called my mom. was like, mom, I'm just, I love you. And I'm not sure what that did to her. mean, those same words that her husband told her, know, here her son is trying to tell her that. And she had no clue, but.

Again, God sends you angels. Even sometimes those angels aren't who they who you would think they are, who you want them to be. Right. But he'll send somebody and he he sent my boy Malcolm as my best friend to this day. We grew up basketball together, all that stuff in college and he we were working together. And at that time, I don't know. To this day, I don't know what made him.

leave work because we work together but I didn't show up and I don't know what made him leave but you know he came and knocked on my door and obviously my door was locked I locked my door that's how that's how serious I was with this I was like nobody's gonna be able to get in till it's too late and my guy climbed on the roof of my apartment and broke in through my window

And if he didn't do that, I wouldn't be here talking to you.

And that was my turning point in my life. That was it for me. I realized like...

I can't be a victim anymore. I gotta stop being a victim. I gotta do something about this.

That's that was a turning point where I decided to get my life on track I'm gonna say right because I came later on but That age 26 is where it started to shift for me that's why I started to gain my superpower because I could I realized like I Can overcome this right I gave I gave power back to myself when you give power back to yourself

you unlocks all the potential that life really wants to give you. If you let it beat you down, it's gonna beat you down, but the second you decide to fight back...

it's gonna open doors up for you. And that's what happened for me. I got sober, I stopped. I limited a lot of things that I was doing. And really, honestly, truly, for about eight months, I quit everything. I rededicated myself to my fitness, my health, my spirituality, and I got myself right.

I went back to school, graduated with my masters. I started a prep school as a basketball coach. even, I, and I started to figure out ways that I could use my albinism to my benefit. And I found, had to go and find this doctor.

He's a great doctor. I found this doctor, you know, we I told him what I wanted to talk about Hey, I want to drive I need to drive And so he helped me to get that so now I'm Right. It something I thought I never would do in my life And and I and I just I hit this high and it was like wow I'm actually as a first time I could feel that I was alive not living because we're all living

but very few of us are alive. A great saying that stuck with me for a long time was, most people die at age 25 and they're buried at 75. Meaning,

You might be living, but you're no longer alive because you're dead inside. Your dreams are gone. You've given up on your dreams. You're not living with any hope. You're not living with any faith. You're not living with any courage or confidence because you're working, working, working paycheck to paycheck. And you've forgotten what dreaming is about.

And I found that again by age 26. I moved to Atlanta. I began to really put myself in great positions.

got back into coaching college, I started the whole entire AU program. And I shared my experiences with my players. And I started to see that I could change lives. I could do something good in this world.

And I was able to help shift a lot of kids' lives. And you don't know how sobering that is for you when you have responsibilities that are bigger than yourself. They're bigger than you. Like, these kids are looking up to me, right? So there was two players of mine in particular who just gravitated to me. They were adopted.

And so immediately when I found that out, I thought back to my childhood, like how that must felt if they're adopted because they don't really know their true parents and whatnot, but yet they're thrust into this whole different world. And for a long time, I felt like I was just thrust into this whole new world. I'm Albino, so I couldn't relate to anybody.

I'll honest, I don't see racism because I got it from both sides. Black people that made front of me, white people that made front of me. So I related to them to a point where I like, I looked at them like my own children because...

Hamish (44:49)
Yeah.

Jd (44:55)
We both grew up in that spot. We didn't have nothing. And I could share my life with them. And then I was able to make an impact in their life.

And that really pushed me to get my stuff together. So I'm like 32 at this point in time in my life. And I was really, really, really trying to get my stuff together. And I was doing very well.

But you don't identify your triggers, you don't open up to you and deal with your bad habits. They eventually catch up with you.

Hamish (45:37)
Yep.

Jd (45:39)
And while I was limiting my bad habits, I still had not dealt with those bad habits. You know, it's like, how can you change the tires on your car, right? Rotate the tires, change the brakes, but you don't change your rotors. You know, you're not going to, your car is still going to be running bad.

If I change the oil but I don't change the oil filter, it's still going to be producing bad oil. My car is not going to run correctly. And eventually it's going to catch up. And that's what happened to me. It eventually caught up to me.

Until I dealt with it fully like I had to take time to address it not Not just clean it up and shove it under the rug Right now just pick up around it. No, no, you have to address Everything you can't just pick and choose the traumas and the pains And the bandages in the wounds that you want to address You gotta address it all

Hamish (46:36)
You

Jd (46:53)
And so when I was 32, I went to go see my brother. It was our friend's birthday and I, at this point I was not, I wasn't drinking huge, but I was still smoking. I was still smoking. That was my one thing was when I'm stressed, I'm smoking. When I'm happy, I'm smoking. When I'm sad, I'm smoking. When I'm bored, I'm smoking. When I'm celebrating, I'm smoking. And that was my bad, that was still part of my bad habit. And on that,

Particular night. This is how God works. This is how God works on that particular night. I did not smoke And all I had was one glass of wine With this how God works. I shouldn't have been dropping right

And I remember prior to that, prior to that night, I had a conversation with God and I was like, listen, God, I want to become complete. Help me to become complete.

And in my mind, it wasn't about the drinking or smoking. For me, it was more about.

The more darker side of my addictions, right? The reasons behind my addictions, like why am I turning to...

the things that I'm doing when I'm stressed. Why can't I turn to you, God? That was my conversation.

And his response was simple, well if you want my help, this is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna get you stopped at a checkpoint. And I told the officer he asked me if I had a drink. I said, yeah, had a glass of wine. Story goes on, regardless of the fact, I'm arrested that night because...

I was under the influence. Regardless if I passed, all the other stuff doesn't matter. It was the fact that to me, it wasn't even about the arrest or anything. It was more about I said that I wanted to help, and this is how I had to get that help.

Hamish (48:54)
Mm-hmm.

Jd (48:55)
And my next step was I went to therapy right after that. I had to go to therapy. I had to finally open up an address.

I had to address my father. I had to address those feelings. I had to admit to myself that I suffered from suicidal thoughts because that's all I knew. When things got too hard in my life, the most important person in my life chose to exit my life.

And so that was what I thought that you were supposed to do when life got too hard. I had to address that. I had to address that.

The reason why I was drinking and smoking and partying and running is because I did not have a good system to deal with pressure, to deal with...

anxiety and your fears and your doubts.

I had self-hatred against my own self because I wasn't willing to accept that I'm unique and I'm different.

So I turned to trying to self-destruct. And I started look back at every mistake I made in my life, every regret that I once had.

It was all because I was self-destructing because I was holding on to traumas and pains and these fears, these things that aren't even real that I had made up in my mind. I was holding on to them and it was causing me to be over emotional, to act out. We just do and live this life that just wasn't.

who you really want to truly be on the inside. And when you start to do that over enough time, you start to self hate. You start to run from your own reflection because you don't know that person.

drinking so much that I didn't even recognize the person I was in the mirror. As a matter of fact, it got to a point where I would brush my teeth in the shower. I would shave in the shower just so I didn't have to look at myself.

You know, so I eventually got to the point where I could address those things.

Hamish (51:18)
Yep.

Jd (51:27)
And it was like a...

weight this had been lifted off my shoulders. That's what I tell people, you know, when I'm coaching guys or I'm mentoring players and athletes or anything, I tell them like, you can't walk around with weighted burdens on you because eventually they're gonna make you crumble.

And I was a victim of that.

And when that happens, because we all face something in life that bring us to our knees with it, we all do, whether we admit it or not, you only have two options and that's to either address it, accept it, admit it and move on. Or you can continue to stay there and be a victim of whatever it is that's keeping you there, whether it's your situations, your circumstances, things that's not in your control.

And I was one of those people. I was going down a path in my life where I literally was going to let...

Things that just weren't in my, I couldn't control that I was born with albinism. I could not control that my dad made a decision to walk out of my life. I could not control.

those things. couldn't control the environment that I lived in, but I could control how I responded to it. And it took me almost 24 years to learn how to do that.

Right? Took me three suicide attempts in my life to learn how to do that.

to just be able to accept now that and be proud that I'm Albano, I'm different. To be proud that I'm three years, I'm sorry, two years sober from not drinking and not smoking.

to be proud that I know my Lord and Savior and I have a thriving relationship with Him. These are things that I wouldn't admit 15 years ago. These things I wouldn't admit seven years ago. And they're sobering.

They're sobering to my life. saved my life, quite frankly. It really saved my life.

Hamish (53:48)
That is a remarkable story. you. is really, yeah, that's a roller coaster. That really, really is. You've touched on everything, I think, to be honest, absolutely everything.

And yeah, it does come down to valuing yourself, loving yourself and yeah, you are unique. I am unique. Everyone's unique. you know, that comparison is the thief of joy. It is everything like that. It's just not worth the effort. as you said, you've got to find that dark point where you actually realize that you are worth it.

Jd (54:14)
out.

Okay.

Hamish (54:30)
where your desire to live is more important than everything else that's piling up. you know, I think, I think what you've done is fantastic. And I think that story is really, really remarkable. So I really appreciate you sharing that. Thank you.

Jd (54:31)
you

Okay.

Man it's it's no it's it's not that I thank you so much for having me and again to share the story but again, you know once you Are once you accept all those pains and things that happen in your life just like I did Like I said acceptance is the foundation for growth and when you do that

you allow yourself to be opened up, right? And now you can start to change your habits.

And I think that that's where so many of us struggle with is our habits.

A lot of it is not conscious. A lot of it is subconscious. Just like in your story. know that when you were struggling with your addiction, a lot of it was just so much habit over time. It's hard to admit, like, I could just break this 20-year habit I've been drinking all my life. It's not that easy, but that's where it starts.

We have to start, you have to start with changing your habits. I know that.

some of the things that really helped me.

is when I found people that I didn't know these people, but I found people that I wanted to, I looked at their positioning in life and I was like, I want to be like that. Right? Not have the things they had, but maybe their physical appearance, right? The confidence they spoke with, right? The courage that they walked with in life.

and I started to build a healthy identity for myself.

Right.

You find yourself in clinical rehab and you see people with some real ass problems, excuse my language. You see some people with some real mental illnesses and it'll shift your mindset. I don't wanna, I'm not supposed to be, I don't wanna be here.

You find yourself in jail with somebody who really has no hope, has no light in their life. Right, you spend some time with somebody who's in there for murder, who the rest of their life is gonna be behind bars. You spend time with that person and you really realize the difference between you being a victim

victim of your situations and and and you You know living in some self-pity Versus a You don't have a life right outside them four walls and that little bump head, right?

Hamish (57:40)
Mm.

Jd (57:44)
And I experienced those things. I slept on the floor, a concrete floor, for 23 hours the other day in a dark room and only have one hour to see sunlight. You look at the sun a little differently after that point, You look at outside, you value it little bit more, right?

Hamish (58:01)
Hmm.

Jd (58:04)
been to that place. I've been to that place where you can't have any sharp objects in the room where it's just you and four padded walls and you gotta sit there and you know I think everything in your reach is a can be used as a weapon to harm yourself because that's what you're in this facility for.

Right, it's a humble experience when you have to be a grown man. You know, and you can't even have shoes on because I think you might harm yourself with it.

That's a very sobering place.

And you start to value things. yeah, it's a so I can go on about it because then I get to share this story with so many people and try to change lives. And then that's what my mission is now is to try to help people through those struggling situations because I know how it's been. I know, you know how it's been. So inspiring to make this podcast. And I think it's an amazing, amazing gift. To the world.

Hamish (58:45)
Hmm.

Well, thank you. I'm enjoying the podcast. Back to you for a second. mean, think, your story, yeah, it is absolutely remarkable. I love the, just the honesty. You you've owned everything. You've owned going to prison, not having shoes on. You've owned...

that it wasn't your fault, but you thought it was your fault. Growing up, everything that you've experienced, you've had to look back at and go, is that true? Is that really true? And then you've had to make a decision. And I think that is empowering because when you start to look at your life as an adult, you look back from when you were the child and realize that you didn't see it as it really was.

You've had to look back and go, no, my dad did not kill himself because of me. He did it because of him. And then you've had to go, that wasn't my fault. It wasn't my mum's fault that she couldn't cope and I had to be an adult age 11 or 12.

And on and on, you, you have, you're giving people permission to look back on their life and change that story, to understand that story. And I think that is utterly, utterly remarkable. yeah. And, you know, it has been a real, real honor to have you on the show today because JD, what you, how you're going to inspire people, how you're going to carry on inspiring people is just brilliant.

So thank you very, very much.

Jd (1:00:51)
And again, thank you so much for having me. just, there's no coincidences in life. And I could imagine.

Again, the people that you're going to help and just by sharing just our stories together. I hope that.

whoever's watching or listening.

Like you said, giving yourself permission to really go back and look at the things in your life.

Address them because sometimes we can get caught in a false reality I Know I know that for my full fact just like you said I blamed myself for so many things that it were seriously not in my control and and I Was sick I was sitting or sick minded. That's that's

Hamish (1:01:30)
Thank

Jd (1:01:44)
That is a form of narcissism we don't speak about, but it's the truth.

I hope that people can understand it's not your fault.

the things that you wanted to suppress and repress and bury in your mind.

It's not your fault.

Hamish (1:02:07)
Where can people find out about you? Where can they find out about JD and maybe contact you, work with you, understand you, find and say, JD, I want you on my podcast, get you on a Ted talk, that kind of stuff. Because I think anyone who listens to your conversation will be really inspired. So how can people find you?

Jd (1:02:31)
Well, one of the ways they can find me, I do have a Facebook number one or social media as you can always find me at JV and shivers. That's J-A-V-I-A-N shivers, S-H-I-V-E-R-S. That's one way that you can find me. But I currently right now, I'm doing life coaching and motivational speaking as we can imagine.

as well as I get the opportunity, the blessing, the absolute blessing to coach college basketball and be a mentor to these young men who's transitioning into life to become young leaders and husbands and fathers. that's part of my mission in life is to make sure that I can help those people. But I don't limit it to just that. So.

For anybody that is out there listening and watching, if you find yourself stuck or you feel like you're living life on autopilot and you want to do something about it, please reach out to me. I would love the opportunity to coach you. Please, you can get a copy of my book that I put out.

It's called 30 Days Strong. It's a transformational book that will help you reset your habits, rebuild your commitments to yourself, and rise above anything that you're going through. And the same, exact same thing that I did for myself to put me in position to be the person I am now. So I encourage you, please, again, reach out to me. I would love to help anybody I can.

I'm here to serve. I'm committed to serving. And that is my mission to serve to help anybody I possibly can. So please reach out to me with your questions, anything you have. And again, thank you so much for having me on this podcast. You are a inspiration to just have the audacity to build a platform to allow people.

to share their stories. You are allowing people to heal. You are allowing people to solidify their healing. And that is a, you are a blessing, my man. You are a blessing to this world and I.

I know that this podcast is going to do exactly what it is that you want it to do.

Hamish (1:05:07)
Thank you. You're going to make me cry. Now that means a lot. JD, one last question. What is your superpower?

Jd (1:05:17)
My superpower is overcoming and not just.

It is overcoming understanding that I walk with courage, confidence, and self-belief.

My power to overcome any challenges, situations, the traumas, the lack, the limitations. That is my power. And it's not something I have, something that I've been given, that I never knew I had. I never knew I had it until I, you never know you have it until you have it, until you accept having it.

And that is my superpower. know that I can overcome, knowing that I can overcome life's challenges, because I have been through the championship fight, man, and I somehow survived it. So, yeah.

Hamish (1:06:15)
I love that. think that is spectacular. And you have, you have overcome, you have owned it and you've accepted it. And I think that is probably the most important bit. So JD, you're a hero. Thank you ever so much for being on the show today. I really, really appreciate it.

Jd (1:06:32)
Thank you so much, for having me.