The Crucible:Conversations for the Curious

Hamish Niven (00:00)
Hi and welcome to another episode of the Crucible Conversations for the Curious. This episode we are talking to Juliana. This is a trigger warning because this conversation is hard. We talk about rape, we talk about sexual abuse, we talk about violence and we talk about people trafficking. And at the end she tells us of her story of how she overcame it, how she made sense of things. It is a remarkable story. It is an uncomfortable story. If you have been triggered by anything in this podcast,

there is all sorts of information and helpful links at the end of this recording.

Hamish (00:32)
Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of The Crucible. Now we've got something rather special for you today. Juliana is one of these remarkable people who has faced life on life's terms and she has got a beautiful story. Sit down, hold on because it's quite a roller coaster. Juliana, thank you for turning up today.

Juliana Mcclane (00:56)
Thank you Hamish for inviting me. Thank you so much.

Hamish (01:01)
Let's leap in. The stage is yours. Tell us your story. Share with us your magic.

Juliana Mcclane (01:08)
Thank you so much. And yes, before to start everything, as you say, sit down, take a breath, because I really feel this like a Pandora box opening in many senses. So starting my story, it's so to say this or my story that I have been overcome is so much related with this patterns of hopelessness of

being in a mode of surviving. that's the, so to say, the base of my experience. But I will start here because it's very important from where I, how I grow up, where I grow up and where that takes me. Because as a children, we take everything in from the environment, what we see, what we feel, what we, so we take that as our own reality. So

I was growing up in Moldova, Republica Moldova is a small country between Romanian and Ukraine. the Moldova is quite a poor country, to say, still suppress it in so many ways, even the, I feel the government suppressing the humanity, the people living in the country. So I was grow up in a poor country where my parents have think,

and have shared their love with me by taking care of me, send me to school, feed me, having warmth and so on, so strict necessary things as a human being.

And I also grew up in a family where my father was having problem with alcohol. And it was weekly, a circus in the house, so to say. My mom was beaten every time. Every time when he was coming home, we was shaking because I have two more brothers. We as a children was shaking because we don't know what is to happen this time, you know? So I grew up in this environment where

I saw my mom hiding herself under the table, under the things, in some other places from my father because she was beaten. So I was seeing it, this, power of a man abusing a woman physically and verbally. So I grew up with this idea or with this, yes, with this idea that we as a woman are just

not so important. We are just as is this so to say human beings that make children, make food, take care of home and the kids and do a job here and there and strictly about this. So I have grown up this belief that as a woman we are not important. We are, we don't have a voice.

We cannot say what we think and what we feel because the man is empowered, the man is in charge to all that. So going through all this, I got to a point where I start to university and I was meeting a guy online from Romania, which is just a neighbor country and I was super excited. my God. It's like, look, a guy, look at me. He wants to come in Moldova to see me. Like, wow.

So I was really excited being in the university, having this age of 18, 19, like, you know how we all are. And guess what? He's coming with a Luxus car, with a lot of this, you know, showing that he has. So of course, my mind, I was just taking over, you know, like, wow, he's looking at me. Look what he has. And he still look at me.

So long story short, helped me with the money to make a visa to go to Romania, so to move to his place. But here was a situation where there was a conversation where it put me in a place where my brain was like, no, I cannot do this.

where he actually told me that, you know, nicely, you know, try to sneak in that in order for me or to be with him or to create something together, I have to go to sell my body. And in that moment, I was shocked. I don't know, my brain could not get it. you see it?

I was crying because I don't know what it is. I don't want it with men. like, like, I cannot, you know, and through all this and manipulation and coming with another friend of her with him, coming with a friend, which was a lady. So try her to put me to convince me. So I go to a place where one year, one year, one year, it's okay. I think I can do it, you know? So all this in the same time.

was another like how to get out from Moldova. It was also for me, I escaped for me personally to get out from country because I sense and I felt it. I don't have a future there. I don't relate to those people. I don't have a future. So through tears and fears and my brain was all over the place. I say yes to that. I don't know what I'm doing, but

the so to say the This feeling of I want to get out from that country has really put me in this place to say yes to something that I was Really like whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I don't know. How what is this? so anyway, I Realized in the end that that was not the love That was not love. That was just poor game

mind game to make up something to make me to feel like, I have, I'm supporting, I've been taking care, but actually I was trough traffic. You know, I wasn't to this area where, I saw like human trafficking, what is going on in more legal way, because then we get married and for my own, my reality on my world, was like, this is a marriage.

He's my husband. I have a relationship. I never had a relationship before in my life. So that was new and get it married. So I accept all this because I felt this. I felt so hopeless because of based on what I saw growing up, sawing and this in my family, I create this belief that. I need someone else.

so I can survive. need somebody by my side so I can go on in life. Like this fear of not knowing if I can do the things alone and seeing that a Moldovian woman cannot manage life when they are alone. After divorce, it's chaos, it's mess, it goes down to the road. So all this, you know, put me in this place of saying...

Yes to something that deep inside me was a big no, but was so covered that I could not really trust that, but I could fall into this area where.

where a woman is so suppressed, where a woman is so plate in the mind that she herself is not totally aware. I was being raped, but so to say my husband that time when he was coming to visit me in Moldova, he was practically raped me. And I was in a place like, this is how to make love.

I don't know what's mean to be loved by a man. I don't know what's mean to really make love coming from that place. So I was raped today thinking, looking back, I realized that was not love. That was just rape. So anyway, this experience, being this with men, being in this area where the woman is

sexually enslaved. The woman is just a tool to make money. The woman is just the bank for a man so he can spend the money how he wants.

I have been experienced abused mentally, physically, emotionally. I even have been so good played that I cut off the connection with my family. slowly, slowly, totally take distance. I don't talk so much. So everything what was was him and his mother and father, him. That was the whole, what I was new.

So it has put me myself in a box that this is my life. Even though I was not able.

I was not able to understand that I have no personality. I was just like a baby doll. Take it from here, put it there, take it from there, do there, whatever what we say. Yes, sir, I'm done, I'm doing. And then I was like, it's so nice. He told me I'm so good. So this period of...

I can call it madness. Poor madness because I never experienced love and that connection. was just a poor tool to be used for his own needs and for being put out there for others needs, but also for him to have an income.

this experience.

has made me to believe that I am nothing. I have no voice.

I am not matter and that I am not and I cannot survive alone in this life. I was so mentally say raped that I have even I don't even have clear memories with my childhood because I realized how good he have been scratched the surface of what I have been experienced home.

And the way he plays with my mind tells me that my real family actually have never loved me. So really, really engage me and put me in this book of no escape, that he is the only savior and his family love me and they show so much love to me and all this manipulation and mind games.

I was nothing. I wasn't so much fear because his words was a command for me. And if I was not executed for whatever reason, I was having fears because I knew there would come the violence. I knew I would be beaten even from trying to speak something that I feel was right with me. I was not allowed because immediately

Something was flying towards me.

This experience put me in a place where...

I don't know, going really down.

into a place where I could not see hope in life. I could really not see hope. I tried to kill myself.

but I'm here happily because not that was meant to be. But I wanted to do it because I was like, I don't know what to do. Like what to do with my life, where to go? How can I put my life together? Because I always have somebody there to tell me you have to go there, you have to do this, you have to come back, you have to give me this. So there was not a sense of self. It was empty.

It was nothing. But deep inside me, I will always feel that this has not felt right with me. This is not feels right. But because not knowing better, because feeling so hopeless and leaving from a place of surviving instead of living life, I have accepted all this abuse.

and I

till something has to crack open. So I meet another person which was my savior so to say, which become my second husband. He was a really savior for me. I was...

We was, I don't know, we're so good connecting and just really soulmates, you know, being good to be around and really taking care, not having any needs of something or doing something because, I expect she will something else, you know, poorly just giving. And that's helped me to take a decision to say no more to that. No.

And I was so afraid that day because I was separate. He was in Romania. I was in another country doing that, sending money there. And there was something going on where

So I need to put this, the last time when I saw him was the, so to say, the person that put me down into this place. It was, he was smoking so much joint to a period where I was, of course, don't say to him what to do. He knows the best, but that him going over smoking, overdoing, he go to a place of psychos, of

craziness where I was like holy crap what to do now I'm in a country where I don't know anybody I don't know the language it's me myself like what to do you start to open the doors the windows everything and get the darkness out and then speaking to me craziness and and I was so afraid because okay this is crazy I don't know what to do I jump out of the window because if I was take the door out he will stop me I knew it

So I just jump out of the window because I think I don't know where to go. In meantime, I called the landlord that time and he said, better call the police and call the police. Hey, the thing is eliminated that.

But that was the time when I realized, when I realized like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's too much. Like that's not what I want to live. And in this episode, exactly in this time of episode, when he have this episode was three days, what I was beaten every day. A major things to say, snuck, a small thing, whatever I could say and was against his whatever feeling thing.

I was beaten down because they say, shut up. I was not allowed to speak. I remember I was talking a beer glass of bottle was empty and I was smash it in my head because I was like, I want to die. I want to end this. Like it's too horrible. Like where is going? So I want to, I just smash myself with that glass of bottle because I was like, maybe I fall down here on that end and, I'm, I'm, I'm free, you know, anyway.

But that was ended. And I meet this guy, which is my second husband, that he was a savior with his help, support, and opened up my eyes. I remember because I wasn't this, should I go back? know, is this feeling of familiarity? Of you know it what it is? And even though you know what it is, you better go there because you know it.

So I was in a place living with being in the same apartment, living with the second husband, you know, boyfriend at that time. And there was a period where I say to him, like, I was so afraid being there with him because it was new. And I say to him, like, I think I want to go back to Romania. And he was looking at me and...

listening, I was crying and in that moment he said okay go to your fucking shitty life and that I will never forget it and that moment

I was shaking and super crying because I realized like, yes, that's a freaking shitty life. I know I will be beat again. I know I'll be put down again. I know I will be doing stuff. I know I cannot be allowed to speak something, to say something. My words was not matter. My, my, my meaning in life, it was zero. So in that moment, I was afraid because staying with him, it was also fearful.

I wasn't a country. I don't know the culture. I don't know the language. even I don't know him so good. So all these fears and all this, I think, OK, I do it. I'm staying here because I don't knew I don't knew what will happening in my life if I stay. But I knew so good if I will go. So that's why a part of me wants to run back because it's new, new that I know what will happen.

but I don't know what will happen here. So that decision was the most precious decision that I could ever could take in my life, like the most, because my life changed. I learned I was in an environment where...

This man have loved me in his way, have offered me the wholeness, what he could give me, want me to take me to connect, to learn to connect with other people. When I was always looking down, I could not connect. I could not talk to strange people. I was like, I want to be myself. I was so not connectable. Like I could not look in people's eyes. I could not.

have a conversation with somebody that I don't know. I don't know where to take it. Like, what is this? So he really tried to, let's say, integrate me in life. Teach me that I have a voice, I can use it. I can connect and have friends because I never had friends.

And also at the same time he tried to open my mind to kind of... I speak openly what I go through. So he really tried to open my mind to take me out from that victimhood mentality and from that slavery that I was in. And I still was carrying with me that hopelessness, that nothingness. So he teach me that...

Life is something else. That there is life that I was never knew that it's possible to have.

So this relationship really, really bring me to a place where...

where my time was come to awaken. So I had this experience that really twisted my life. I go to a point where I think like, I don't know anything about spirituality. Like, I don't know what it is, what is eating with, like meditating, my gosh, I cannot even put my mind in, you know. But one evening.

I was saying to myself, let's meditate by phone. I don't know what it is. Put some music, go on bed, chill out, lie down, you know. But of course, there was a period when, you know, I know I'm a little bit jumping, I need to come back. Being with this man, wonderful man, my ex -husband, second husband, he actually, I need to put this, he actually not only opened my mind, showed me that how love may feel some looks like.

But also he say, go and train Kramaga. So there will not be any man who'll ever touch you. So I was training Kramaga for myself, which is self -defense, Australian self -defense. After three years, I become an instructor. I love it. I love it so much. It's like it was in my body, the way I was fighting. It's like it was made for me.

Going there actually has helped me to get more confidence in myself and being an instructor actually has helped me to stand front of a bunch of people tall, low, men, women, muscle, fit guys, no fit guys, street guys, no street guys, all this combination and I am as a lady

to stand there to teach Tim how to fight. This was really, really a life lessons where I could build the confidence in myself. So everything was wonderful. I was having a job, normally job. I was having a husband. was doing, I was teaching Kramagoa what I love it to do. My life was wonderful. So I was in another loop where I was working, go to teach, come back.

take a joint and I was going in this loop and every evening end up with a joint, chill out, sleep, wake up and again and again and again. So again, I was jumping on a secret where it was like repeating. So one of the evening I say to myself after smoking, I go to meditate. Like, I don't know what it is, I just try. So I lie down, I put some music and then sound like here, you are one of a kind. And then I felt love. I felt love.

But I could never felt it. It was never giving to me to feel. And then I start to compare it. This is mother love. No. Father, no. Sister, no. Lover, husband, no. It's like, what is this? And then I was like, I felt like, okay, if I kill another human being, I will be loved the same. And that really hit me because I was like, this is God's love.

This is unconditional love. And then immediately my dog was jumping on the bed and I felt my body a gelatin. Like really I have no bones. I was something just hanging there. I was like, wow, that's weird. What is this? And then my husband that time called me and I was aware that I could hear, but I could not move. I was like, whoa, what was this? And then slowly, okay, I come back. But now...

speaking I realized I was being experiencing my own Andromedan body, my soul, who I am, where I come from and why I'm here. So I have experienced this Andromedan body, you know, which is so different than a human body.

And that was the moment when I could not stop myself searching because that was something that I knew it and I feel in my bones and soul that life is more, is more than I could ever experience until that moment. So I searched what is that more in life going on Google, right? What's mean to feel love? So, so...

primitive mentally, I don't know what's mean to give them to me to feel this love. What's that mean? Why? You know, and this guides and spirit, you are one of a kind. What is all this? To jump over Google Lightworkers, star seats. And I was like, this is crazy. Like, what crazy is this? I was could not resonate because I could not understand it.

But that was the key and I give in search and I start to read books and I was, and there was start my transformation till my husband that time say, what's going on? You just sit by yourself reading books. You're not anymore. But I was so into it because I knew it. That's so important for me. One year later.

because that was the path of transformation. Of course, after this was the dark nights of the soul, I was crying. I don't know why. I was screaming with myself in bed, I'm dying. And I don't know why, but I was feeling dying because it was just the transformation of it. One year later, everything was beautiful. I was, my God, you know, we are so...

beautiful everybody's beautiful the humans are beautiful there are no awful people there are no bad people you know jumping in this another realm of pink and love and light and so on so what's wonderful but it's kicking crying i could not stop then it's got to a point where in me have changed my emotions towards my husband

So I needed to take a decision. I knew it. I have to take a decision to leave the connection to divorce. For two weeks I was in my mind to grasp it. Why? To understand it. Why? Nothing is wrong. I'm good. I have the whole. Why? So two weeks I was in my mind to a point where I had a breakdown.

like really a breakdown when I was screaming out of my mind was really going nuts because I was like what I'm doing here I don't understand it what's going on

So that was.

the second step because I was fighting with my mind. My soul told me I have to move on. My mind say you are okay. You have all that you need. You have a husband and a job and a hobby. Everything is perfect. But inside me was screaming you have to leave. You have to move on. So I was in this battle to comprehend why it's nothing wrong.

Hamish (30:30)
So I'm going to let you know how to do this. So let's get started.

Juliana Mcclane (30:43)
But that was my soul because my wanted more and I was in a box. So I need to level up and I was loved. I received all that I need, but still was a box for my soul.

So that decision to go into the unknown, to take decisions that are not logical, everybody say like, are you crazy? What are you doing? Why? But that was the decision that liberate me as a human being.

Hamish (31:13)
That's it.

Juliana Mcclane (31:25)
So with this said,

I have been experiencing a human life, unknowing who I am.

and realizing what I am.

This

going into this.

period or suppression.

Violence. Feeling I'm being a slave.

has enriched me with the wisdom of what is the power of sexual energy.

because we as a soul, we are energy and in our body we call it Kundalini. Kundalini is just a life force. Life force is our essence, is the soul, but it's dormant and not many, there are many, but it's dormant and there are people who awaken this, know, it's pleasure. And people confuse it because,

I'm aroused. my God, let's do this because it's your soul who is awakened.

So.

going through this, grow up to see my mom, me myself choosing the same path.

unconscious, then taking the fearful decision known to choose something else, I don't know what it is, has actually elevate me to awaken. What I learned from my own experience is the power that women are carrying in their own beingness and women are not aware of what are they.

Here we in themself.

That's why prostitution is man -made. That's why men use women to sell their bodies, to suppress their own essence, to be suppressed their own sexual energy, that their own essence, because humanity is sleeping because women are suppressed and nobody can comprehend this because the women

is the gate to the divine. She is more open to the divinity. She's carrying the force life, the healing energy, the sexual energy that have nothing, nothing to do with sex. Nothing at all. People feel it in the body, they think, I'm aroused. I want to have some fun time. No, this is you. This is you waking up.

This is your soul waking experience. are waking in a carnal physical body, in a human body on earth. This is you.

this experience and I feel that I have experienced this on behalf of all women that are there, lost, fearful, unafraid.

This is an sister trauma that so many women go into it unaware and think that this is the life. This is what should be. This is, this is and there is nothing else.

This is the archetype of prostitute and I realized that

We as human beings, we do that in our life, men or women. We are prostitutes ourselves for not saying no for things that we don't want, but just accepting the things just because we want something, money or being with that person even though shit happens, it's not good, relationship, skrt, skrt, but...

I'm so attached, I still love, you Is this suppressing your own truth for choosing your mind because it's a safe place? That is what unconscious we as a human are doing.

This story, this experience, because it's a life story for me, it's my story, have given to me the gift of understanding what is sexual energy, why it's so important to take responsibility, special being a woman, to take responsibility of who you share your body.

with? Is there love or is there physical attraction?

This is, I liberate it. How can I say it?

This is a liberation of a soul when we are so suppressed.

not knowing anything, taking decision with so much fear because those decision put me in a place of unknown that we are all of us, we are so freaking aware of not knowing to predict things. And doing this one, two, three times has helped me to open, to open, to open where today

I use my own sexual energy for my own healing, for working with energies, for transmuting heavy energy, and for assisting others to liberate their own channel from this blockage of trauma energies that will carry even consciousness that is attached of our own beingness. Here is a message that I want

to send, to give to the woman. then I will.

My dear beautiful woman.

I ask you.

to go deep into your own heart, to connect with your own essence, to recognize the divine spark that you are, to wake up and to say no to everything that is not aligned with your own truth, with your own authenticity and

could do your best to awaken your own soul by taking care of your body, your body and your sexual energy. And know that by this doing it, you help humanity to awaken to their own essence of beingness.

And because I go through so, and I saw so much, and I felt so many, I also want to give a message to men.

Termin.

come home into your heart and know that the woman is a divine, is a beingness that has to be respected. And sex, how you call it, is a sacred ritual, is only shared with the one that you love from your heart.

The woman is the key so you can be able to unlock your own divine spark. She is the key to assist you and to bring you into a place where you never know have been existed. It's your essence, it's your soul, it's divine in you. Don't underestimate a woman.

Put her down. Don't look at her down. Don't mistreat her and don't abuse her because what are you doing?

You play with divine force. You put that down unconscious. I beg you.

to respect yourself by respecting that woman.

That's it. I... Yes. I'm so taken. Yes. So with this said, Hamish, this is a... This is an experience. How to...

heal the ancestor lineage. If we look back in years and years how women were suppressed, put down, even not today, even not today 2024, they are equal with men in the same place. Let's say a job, they are not equal.

to allow to your spirit to birth itself in a human body, you have to overcome the patterns that we have been created by the experience we had. It's not just in a mental level, I am worthy, I am love, this will not help you with anything because in the end of the day, you will go on the same circle.

choosing the same because you come from the same place. It's not something in the mind to comprehend. It's something in the body to feel it because when you clean that consciousness, when you felt and heal that trauma, that pain, that what it was, you make space for more light, for more of you. So in this way you give more space to be

Because the trauma, the story will always be there. But we put in a place where we are aware of it. So say like, whoa, no, no, no, no, this is not me. This is who I was, but this is not me. So overcome it. It's not reading books. And I don't know. It's really going here. Make space here. So divine have space.

to be more in home, in this body.

This is

This is the

This is a life what a woman is living on earth, conscious or unconscious. I also observe many women are raped in silence. And when I say this, they are not aware. They are so mind manipulated. They are not aware what is going on.

I also observe this prostitution archetype is existing a marriage couple when the woman she don't feel there are moments when it's so busy and women don't feel to have an intimacy with her husband because it's so much going on but then she say to herself yeah I will make my duty I am his wife it's okay I'm his wife but have you asked yourself what you feel

Do you are able to open up to that? Because our sexuality is the most vulnerable place. It's like soul connecting with a soul. That's what it is, sexuality. It's not something to be shared because of, you know, I'm a little bit high today and let's finish this party good. No, no.

sexuality that's why it's so vulnerable for men and women to even open up to that area because it's the key. Many hold have so much or they are being driven by the lower chakra which is the blocked energy sexual that they are being ordered to have this physical contact to release all these energies because

they're coming from the place of trauma root chakra which is all about I need I need I need once you released and you are in this place you go to a point where you don't need that you only choose you go to a place where you feel and understand I will never ever share my body for a half hour of pleasure never

And if I will be alone my whole life, so let it be! Because I am enough and whole with this, now.

then you realize you are home because you are not coming from a place of need. This is so much how we are being programmed, what we see, how we grow up, what we was going through. So.

Yes, Hamish, I let you put a question if you have some question or whatever. Yeah.

Hamish (47:12)
Thank you.

Juliana Mcclane (47:15)
Thank you.

Hamish (47:16)
There is very little I can say. Thank you for everything. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for feeling safe in this space this man has given you to...

change my perception, to make me see things I had never considered. Yeah, you're heard, you're seen, I can feel it, I can sense it and I am really, really honoured that you were able to tell me, share with me, share with everybody what you did today.

I am, yeah, gobsmacked, obviously. So thank you for that. Trying to think what I want to ask you. All I can really think of is how.

Were you able to forgive your first husband? Not from what he did, but were you able to make sense of how you found yourself there and how you got yourself out of there? I think it was not even how do you forgive him. Have you understood?

why you found yourself in that place because it's not about him this is all about you.

Juliana Mcclane (48:50)
Exactly. Yes, how I end up to be there is because I was believed and I felt the hopelessness in me. So this hopelessness, this surviving being in Moldova and feeling that I have no future there and I need to do something to survive has really pushed me somehow into this way of

saying yes to his and going to that path because of the patterns of seeing my mom abused and understanding that we are hopeless, we cannot do anything by ourselves, we need that guy, we need that man, we need... So that's really pushed me into this because the mentality that we have in Moldova, what that is there, it's really a poor mentality spiritually.

It's so poor, even though people are so believing in God and go to the church and put candles, it's such an emptiness as a spiritual being. It's so much emptiness.

Living in those conditions pushed me to choose this madness as a door for me, seeing it as a surviving, as actually do something in my life, taking a path that will take me somewhere. That was how I end up there, believing that

I need a savior. I need a savior. I cannot do it alone. How? And I understand why I have to be there. Speaking from here today.

to heal the ancestor lineage. Because recently, I got from my guides, from divine colleagues, I got inside of the truth of how I was coming in this world and I have no clue about it. But when I was small, I was feeling, I was felt like I'm not part of this family. What's going on? Even I say to my mom, have you adopted me? What's going on?

because I felt something is not right. So last year I got from my guides this clear vision, feeling in my beingness that I have been chosen to come on this world, my mom being raped and I am the fruit of that rape. And for me makes so much sense how I ended up, what I ended up because I could carry all that with me from a.

even small tiny things. I carry all that with me.

I come here on earth to heal the ancestor lineage of a woman.

I have to go so low, so low down because my mind has no comprehension of that there is a better life. In Moldova, women are so suppressed, incapable to understand. A woman can be beaten by her husband in of the police officer because it's their family issue, we don't blend ourselves in. How dare you! How can you let a man

beat a woman. How can you compare that power? That's how I grew up, that's where I come from. My mind could not see better. All what I take in was suppression, slavery, hopelessness and surviving. Surviving to whatever way to take in life, just to survive somehow. And that's why I was on my way to survive.

So that's what my madness has to go through so I can survive.

how I go out from there. I was asking myself how I did it, how you did it and I realized I took the most fearful decision that put me in a place of unknown. That is how I get out from something.

that I was believe that life is and that is and there is no comment and there is nothing to add this how it is boom boom boom you have no way to say to do to think this how it is so taking the decision being in a place of not knowingness of unknown that's how it's take me to the next so that's helped me to let go to see something else that was my

my strength I can guess to say yes to something that I don't know what is taking me and it's so freaking me out. But good I take it because that's take me out totally. So I see it as I have been chosen the way I come on this earth.

also to go through this madness. I have been chosen to the soul level because of the strength of my soul, of what I am and why I come here on earth. I'm speaking on behalf of woman.

.

still try to find their voice.

I know I choose that because I know my purpose in life. I know why come here.

This is, I sign out to liberate the suppressed feminine. I sign up to go so low down so I can liberate that suppression so I can know it, I can feel it, I can taste it and touch it and see how madness can feel, what that can be, how that, because we...

It's so easy to judge. but you never know that lady why she's doing. Do you think she love it? Do you think she do it because she have fun? Maybe some do, but most of them are having another guy behind the other end of the phone. Most of them, they're afraid they will mask a face and, it's good. No, no, It's so much dark.

and so much rooted in that we are not aware when we have these patterns that the life is this or is we cannot see we are blinded we cannot sense and feel in ourselves

So I really choose this to a soul level to do that. I forgive myself. I forgive myself because I know this is my power. This is my strength. Yes, was horrible, was painful, was the lowest of the lowest, but that was and it is my strength because this is give me the gasoline to really push further in life.

I forgive myself because I realized this. I forgive him. I was forced. How? Being with my second husband that time, I was experiencing this for a flash of seconds. got so many images of how I have been experienced with the ex -Romanian guy, what I go through, and it's hit me a fee, a pain in my heart that immediately I...

I fall down on my knees and I start to cry and I realize and I say it out loud, I forgive him. I forgive him. Please take this pain away because I realized I was carrying this anger towards him. How dare he could do that. But I was forced to see it, to feel it and to understand. Don't hold on pain. There was a lesson for your soul to grow. There was.

your exam and test to go through, to grow, to liberate the essence of a feminine, to let her to shine out from you. was what is needed. What else can be more powerful than this? To be so suppressed, so down, not knowing, being empty.

And still, listen, having this little voice through so many fears and take a small step and choose the unknown. Choose the other path that changed our life. So yes, I forgive him. I forgive myself.

And I see this experience that I had as I examine as my life's biggest takeaway because the wisdom and understanding, it's much precious that I could ever imagine.

Yeah.

Hamish (58:50)
Wow.

See, you chose to make sense of it. You chose to understand that, as you said, it was a test. I want to come back to that in a second, but you realised, as you said, shit happens. Completely desensitise it for second. Shit happens and you chose to get over it. I'm not belittling anything. I'm just simplifying it down to that.

It happens, it happened. And then you've gone, what did I learn from it? How can I use this to help other people? How can I make sense of it?

Totally spectacular, I mean...

I have no idea how you managed to do that. I mean, you've explained it, but it's still, can't, I can't begin to wrap my head around that. let's go back to how you made sense of it as a test. Cause you you've alluded to coming here. This was your purpose. So let's take that back a little bit because you're, you're bringing into this a really interesting conversation about what we are. You know, I'm not just a meat sack.

So I think this is really important because not everybody knows what you're talking about and there certainly there may be a bit of confusion because what you're about to articulate took me a long time to get my around my head. So tell me a bit about that.

Juliana Mcclane (1:00:29)
What we are and who we are.

Thanks

We are a fractal of divinity. We are a spark of light. That is our soul.

We have been chosen to come on Earth to graduate because the Earth is the school of the universe. Because only here on Earth can see so many, can experience so many varieties of feelings and so on.

We are a soul that knows only the sovereignty, compassion, and conditioned love.

And that soul, once it's coming on earth, it's having this filter of forgetting. Don't remember anything, who they are, what they are. They're just, it's taking off this remembering. So then we go in life as a human being. So what we are is divine in a human body, how you can feel that.

You can feel it by connecting with yourself because as summation that's Kundalini that you feel is you in a physical body. That's how you experience being in a physical body is that pleasure that all talk about and run after it. It's you feeling yourself in a human body. Of course, it's place, please. Of course, it's wonderful. I saw has a body.

It doesn't matter where this you saw. So that's what we are. It's not what we see in the mirror. It's something what we feel deep inside ourselves. That's who we are, divine in a human body. But we forget and we create and we are on this programming or autopilot based on the patterns that we carry, based on the trauma. And then we create the personality and then we make

problems over problems. And then we end up in a corner where there is the end for some of them, also the end because there is no way to get out. So down on the low because it's on the programming, on the pattern, on the trauma.

So some of us it's luckily to have so much strength to be, to feel in the bigness that there is something more. I don't know what is, but there's something more for me was getting in touch with this unconditioned love that I was like, I don't know. It's like, it's like, I get, I get crazy on find it out. I get

crazy on reading for months to understand what is that. That's me. I felt myself, the love that I am, the unconditioned love. I felt my body that I am have another. As a soul being, we are also multi -dimensional. We are also traveling constellation to constellation. Then we pump here because we need to help humanity is another story. But

for me is given to have the experience of having this Andromedan body myself on another Andromedan. I felt this Andromeda body. some people have this trait that we hold, it's helping us to move, to wake up, to choose something. We are, you cannot see what we are. We can feel it. We can see it maybe through our expression.

to our personality after we deal with our own wounds and problems. We will always do, we will always go to healing and healing process. There is a generation, we have a lineage to heal. But at least you are on a point where I am aware. that's a pattern. okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, I take other. So we are aware that we are two in one, the darkness, the light in Yin and Yang, that's who we are here.

and it's up to us who we are feeding. So that's what we are. We are a polarity in oneness, but it's up to our awareness to choose that spark, that unconditioned love, that compassion. And yeah, the universe that we are, that yeah, it's.

To speak about soul is so much more. I can talk days and nights because I'm so fascinated. You see, we are on Earth right now and where the time is to graduate, to graduate to a soul level. We are so aware that there will be a mass living this planet. We are so aware that there will be few left because there is no

Hamish (1:05:40)
Thank

Juliana Mcclane (1:06:06)
space when you don't raise your own vibration that means deal with your own trauma raise your vibration make space for the light in your body make space for your own cells more because it's like we garbage 24 7 it's our patterns it's our trauma that's our garbage and how can you make space for light in the middle of the garbage there is no way so you have to

throw out the trash, clean up, silence, and then you make more and more and take decisions. More fearful they are, more to the right direction is taking you. We are fearful as a being, but we are afraid because of this, because we have a human brain. But what is here, the brain, have no capacity to comprehend. And what is here, it's so much huge.

Don't even the human brain can put something together. It's so much huge. So I'm you, you are me. We are together because coming from the same place, we carry the same value. Love, compassion, unity, consciousness. This is who we are. There is no separation and there is no what we are separating from being here on earth.

our personality, the way we think, our values and so on. And again, it's not a separation, but it's making us more different. This is you and this is me, you see, but in reality there is no difference.

So when two people come together and they see each other from the soul level, that human aspect of who we are disappears. Because then we talk just soul to soul. And then we may even make fun about our own trauma because you are a soul, you realize, you understand it. So then it's coming this comprehension.

my god, I come on this on planet earth, holy moly, like what? You see what? Yeah, it's almost my words are.

So that's what we are, divine in a human body. But the one thing to take is to remember always that woman, woman, only woman, divine feminine, the feminine energy, again, we don't speak again more agenda, but let's say the divine feminine, the feminine energy is the one that is.

opened the gauge to divinity, to the spirituality and who can assist men to that road. So she is the leader in the new age because she is that divine. She is more aware of her beingness and what she is and why she come here on earth.

Yeah.

Hamish (1:09:27)
Wow, thank you.

We could talk all day. really could. And I think you've touched on some really fascinating things. I still think something around the soul. we are here in a human existence to learn, to experience. Why do we have to forget? Why do we have to forget that

Juliana Mcclane (1:09:34)
Yes.

Hamish (1:10:01)
this love, this connection. That sounds kind of, let's say perverse. It sounds kind of really strange. So there is a reason for it, but why are we doing that? Why does that happen?

Juliana Mcclane (1:10:16)
How can you know your strength? How can you know your own inner power if not you forgetting, walking blind, going through hell and back and then remembering who you are? That's why we forget because it's up to us to remember and to bring that life. Yes, it seems so

psychopath like why should we go through so much hell it's because we have to remember this new generation by the way you saw it they're so open because the veil is thinner and they're more open but the leaders or the beginners or the front line you know it's it's it has because that's the power what it stands in forgetting walking blind to pain

choosing to get and to overcome that and then remembering is only after you go through and finish that you get a but after you go out but that is the fascinating and the same time from the human perspective like boom like that's nuts why do you ever like who will put their children in such a way you know who will

But it's because of our strength, delight that we carry. That's why delight forgets that is a light and is walking blind in the darkness and it thinks. But there is sense, the power, if this makes sense.

That's why we forget. Because if we know what we are and how we are, we will just, no, no, there will not be lesson. There will not be lessons. You will not experience a human life or human experience because you know who you are and you will cut the bullshit immediately. You will put boundaries for you three years old that you are saying, no, I don't want this. Close the door, get out. So there is nothing to learn.

So we have to go to pain because another trick, only pain awakens the soul.

We have to go to pain to awaken the soul.

So that's why we go to this forgetting to remember, to graduate and to after graduating to mastering that of who we are here on earth in this physical body, mastering and share it.

Hamish (1:13:07)
I love that because it takes away the pain. It takes away all that pain. I cannot comprehend what you chose to put yourself through. Let's use that language. Because that's what you chose and what has come out the other side is one of the more beautiful

Juliana Mcclane (1:13:25)
Yes.

Hamish (1:13:36)
powerful. mean, I can feel your energy. You you've you've you've gone, yeah, done that. Been there, done that. Got the scars, the wounds, the trauma. And then you've just shaken that off. And now you're saying, hey, daughter, hey, sister, hey, mother, you can get through this. You know, you're empowered and you're also going, hey, men, you stop it. And that that is remarkable, because what you've shared with me today, I need to look at my life and how I treat women.

and I thought I was quite good and probably not as good as I should have been and certainly my past.

Yeah. And, you know, my, my journey, somebody asked me, you know, why were you an addict? And I just said, so I could help people. And then all the hackles, you know, the hairs on the back of my neck, because yeah, I went through that, not comparing, I went through that. So I've got an understanding of what that shit is like. now I'm running this podcast, having incredible conversations.

Juliana Mcclane (1:14:42)
Yes, that's why... yeah, sorry.

Hamish (1:14:43)
So that's all right. No. So we choose, then we forget, then we suffer, then we choose not to suffer, and we learn from it, and the hurt goes away, and then we can help other people make sense of it.

Juliana Mcclane (1:15:08)
Yeah, because now you are the light that has to shine, so will shine upon others, so others will remember. So you are the light for others, so others will see you as the example that you... So if He could do it, I can too. So now you are that assistance for others.

Hamish (1:15:34)
Utterly beautiful. And that's what you've done here. You have shared the most harrowing story I've heard and you're not bitter. You're not. It's patently obvious. I mean, I wondered whether I should ask, should you forgive a man because of the conversation? And you just said yes, because it's helped you understand.

Juliana Mcclane (1:16:02)
Exactly. And again, about I don't want people to feel bad about themselves. my gosh, what I did like, it's a lesson. Like, okay, I did a mess. I don't know better. I don't know that I have to do this. Who teach? Who told us? Like who could tell us, hey, have another behavior? No, we learn now. But we have to go to do the bullshit to realize like, that's not nice.

Ouch! okay, okay, then this is another, there is another way we have to go to because otherwise you, you will not have it as an experience, you know, on your own physical body to understand, to feel it. Only put your feet there. You have the experience because only through the experience we learn, not from reading the books.

only when you body was put in that only then you comprehend so as you said you are here to assist others overcoming the addiction i also feel i come here to assist the woman to raise up from the mud from the from this forgetting band i see like i see like humans have this band on the eyes and they're just walking through the life

so unaware of each other, of itself. So I'm here to assist him to remember to men and women what we are, who we are, and to choose differently. Now that you know, choose differently. It's okay you don't knew, it's okay you did what you did because you don't knew it. How couldn't you knew it? But now that you know, choose differently.

Hamish (1:18:00)
Please help men. How can, how can us men learn from your wisdom and what you're sharing? Because as I said, I've, I'm going to sit down and with this new awareness, realise what I, how I have negatively impacted my female friends and relationships. So how can I start to, how can we start to understand

Let's just say it, the value of the feminine because it's a girlfriend, it's a partner, it's a wife, it's a she, it, she is what I mean. That is a person and being the male, yes, we have that. There is that hierarchy, that patriarchy. How can I start to equalize or even, yes, how can I start to equalize and understand the value, the beauty of the divine feminine?

Juliana Mcclane (1:19:04)
First, come close to yourself as a man.

Once you come close to yourself, you will have more glimpse of understanding who is the other person close to you.

One man, it's time for men to come home and to their hearts because there's so much here. Because men function from this place, which is that's how it's built. But then everything is going here. It's time to drop down into the heart because then there, there is the answers for each individual and their own each individual experience.

You have to understand that you was not here on earth if a woman was not making you. If a woman don't give you birth, you could not stand in this physical body with this feet on earth. That's the first sign to understand that, whoa, if my mom was not here, I was not here either. So from there to comprehend the gift, because a woman giving birth to souls,

not to humans, to souls. So from there you have to pay attention.

once a man is dropping into his heart is having this emotional intelligence

then they know how to deal with their own... ...gabridge. Solve that. And then they can open themselves to communicate because not many know to communicate what they feel.

So that's the problem as well as communication. But first you have to have your emotional intelligence. If that is not there, you cannot come close to our awakened woman. It's not possible. She will feel you from afar. She will say, thank you, nice to meet you, hi, hi.

Hamish (1:21:20)
you

Juliana Mcclane (1:21:23)
So, but that's true because the women in tune with themselves, they just smile from a while like, whoa, get away. It's just feeling so much.

Now another thing for men.

engaging with a woman it's so important first of all to be friends i hear like you cannot be a couple after you was a friend but only in a friendship relationship you can be more of yourself than jumping immediately in a connection here's my boyfriend i need to be nice i need to then then then then you hide yourself so it's good before to jump in that

place of intimacy and sharing both energies, learn to know each other as a friend. Yeah, I love you. I like, but learn and then something else is opening. I see this as a future connection where people will just be friends, communicating, feeling, knowing that they are meant for each other, but still keep apart because they know

jumping to the next level is just only breaking the relationship so fast, it's really breaking it. It's twisted but it's really breaking it. Knowing each other in a friendship you can be more yourself. And then when you feel ready, when woman, when woman is ready, she will tell you, not men asking.

and try to play with the mind and sneaky nice words. it's okay come on just a little bit. Yeah exactly. Woman has to let you in not you force the door and kick into the door as if you have to go in as if this is your place. She has to let you so have to talk to her. Ask woman she knows connecting being connected with herself.

Hamish (1:23:03)
It's a far away.

Juliana Mcclane (1:23:28)
She knows, dear men, please come home. Come home into your heart. Connect with your own emotions so you will understand the woman by your side, so she can feel safe to open more of herself. We live in a world where 90 % or 95 % of the connections

are so surface -based, just needs to care just that, but their deepnesses is not there. And again, it's just forgetting and then going with life because we all have like, this is the life, what can I do? I cannot break it. It's again our own patterns and belief systems that are we stuck in and that's sitting in our body.

So come home, I can say, come home.

Hamish (1:24:34)
I think that is, that's just beautiful. Yeah. Come home.

Juliana Mcclane (1:24:37)
Really, the women all that they need, they need a man to be home. That's all. And then now she knows what to do. Just you be home and she knows what to do. Just be home. Be present, be there. Feel, feel her. Don't so much listen, feel her.

And then you also will know when you are connecting with your own feelings and your own intelligence, you will feel her, you will know. And that, that's what makes beauty in a relationship.

Hamish (1:25:20)
Thank you.

Juliana Mcclane (1:25:22)
Thank

Hamish (1:25:29)
That was just beautiful. I really have no, I cannot add anything to that. Dare I ask you what your superpower is from overcoming hell?

Juliana Mcclane (1:25:50)
My superpower is the...

energetic generator, if I can call it that, that I carry. That's my superpower. It's my own sexual energy. That's my superpower. Again, we don't talk about sex. We talk about the essence.

That's my superpower because with that I can heal myself. I can assist others to energetically work to help others, assist others in their own process. I need those energies. That is the superpower. We need that because that's our unlimited tank of resource.

So that's my superpower today. Without that...

Yeah, it's the... You see, you see, it's like, you know, when a ball is pulled down, down into the water and down and more down and more down and suddenly your card is boom! It goes so high, almost like, whoa, where are you get lost? So I want to remember more painful experience you have go through. More power and light you hold.

The more down in this life you were unfilled, the more strong soul you are.

That's who we are.

Hamish (1:27:38)
Thank you.

Thank you, Juliana. was... Yeah, thank you.

Juliana Mcclane (1:27:49)
Thank you, Hamish. Thank you so much.

Yeah.

Hamish Niven (1:27:56)
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Crucible: Conversations for the Curious. If these powerful stories of transformation resonated with you, be sure to like, subscribe and share this show with anyone who you think could do with a dose of inspiration for their own journey. I would really appreciate it if you could make any comments on your favourite podcast platform as well, that helps me reach more people. All the important links and information are in the show notes below. Thank you very much for listening and catch up with you soon.